From Career Clarity to Relationship Breakthrough – Alignment Accelerator (Part 1)

Jaime 0:01
How am I going to juggle it all if I feel like sometimes every single second feels eaten up in my day already? So it’s a lot of like, that I can’t do it, that it’s not possible. And, well, I don’t know if I see that many people successful at it. So, like, what makes me think I’m going to be able to be great at it? So I feel like that’s kind of what goes through my mind.

Blake Schofield 0:21
Help me understand what’s still draining your time and energy. And the reason I ask this is, when we want to shift something in our lives but we don’t have energy on a daily basis already, it’s near impossible.

Blake Schofield 0:39
Real leadership. Real life. Real impact. No more choosing between your career and your life. Here you’ll find honest conversations, science-backed strategies, and inspiring stories to help you thrive at work and truly enjoy your life outside of it.

I’m your host, Blake, and I’m honored to help you create more impact with ease.

We’re doing something a little different for this week’s episode and next week on Impact with Ease. You are getting behind-the-scenes access to my client Jaime’s private one-on-one Accelerator coaching calls.

Now, Jaime won the Alignment Accelerator coaching from our podcast launch, and she’s so generous to share her personal experience with you.

I hope through listening to her journey, you will see the power of having a partner come in to really identify those areas of misalignment for you and help you see how diving deeper to truly gain clarity on what is the root cause of the challenges that you’re facing, what are the tweaks and adjustments that you can make to get more in alignment, to regain energy, momentum, and clarity — that it can happen quickly, that it can happen really powerfully, and that it’s truly possible for all of us to lead lives where we are passionate about what we do in our careers and we also truly can enjoy the lives that we want, the relationships that we want, and the impact that we want.

And so I hope that these episodes help give you some “aha” moments, some insights, and help give you some ideas for how to start implementing some small changes in your life to create more alignment, more fulfillment, and more ease.

Speaker 1 2:40
Hello, lady, how are you?

Blake Schofield 2:45
It’s so nice to see your face. Great to see you! I was so excited. I’m like, yay, this is fun.

Jaime 2:51
It was like such a great surprise. I was like, “Oh, this is awesome.”

Blake Schofield 2:55
I love it. It makes me happy. I want to make sure to like—so much I want to catch up—and then I’m like, well, I sort of caught up because I read…

Jaime 3:03
You read everything, which is a great form to fill out, yes.

Blake Schofield 3:08
And I also want to make sure that we use our time as best as possible. The Alignment Accelerator is something I started a few years ago. I kind of call it like “personal development on warp speed.”

Oh, I love it, yeah. The Alignment Accelerator is really, okay, how can I understand what’s going on in your life? What are the misalignments that are actually creating patterns for you that are stopping you from achieving what you want to achieve in life? And then how do we rapidly get those things out of your way?

Great. So that’s the goal, so to speak, of the work that we’ll do together. So hopefully that aligns with your perspective walking in. That’s why it’s called an Accelerator.

Okay, yeah. Okay, sweet.

Often my Alignment Accelerators sort of become this secret black box, and people don’t really understand what the heck they are. My hope is that through this journey, by the time you and I are done with this—in about two weeks—you look back and you’re like, “Holy crap, this is one of the best things that I’ve done.”

And if so, and the opportunity presents itself, that you might be willing to allow me to share parts of your journey or help other people understand what happens in the black box.

Of course, yeah. Okay, lady. All right, so with that said, here is my thought. I have up your doc. I, of course, have a million questions that came. What I’m going to do is, I’ll put the doc up so you see what I see.

Yes. I want to just start diving into what you shared with me. I have some deeper questions. I have some ideas about what might be happening, but I really want to confirm, and so being able to dive deeper with you will help me know.

Since we’ve worked together, there’s been—I don’t know how to say it—it’s like I’ve had probably ten lifetimes’ worth of change, personal development, all of it. So my approach is probably faster and more direct than what you had in The Bridge.

So if at any point in time you’re like, “Slow down,” or “I need some space,” or “Hang tight,” please let me know, because for me the insights usually come pretty fast. And as you know, I’m pretty kind and direct anyway, but like I said, sometimes they come faster, so I want to make sure I’m not moving too fast for you.

Great, yes. Is that okay?

Yeah.

Okay, sweet. So first of all, there were so many moments I just cheered, because I was so happy. I read your stuff—growth.

Jaime 5:29
Like, when I really think about it, it really—yes, this was kind of—it made me feel good when I wrote that. I was like, wow. Like, it really was such a nice change. A lot of growth to go, but so much progress, I feel.

Blake Schofield 5:42
And you know what? I tell you, that is the journey that’s always so much fun to me, to connect back with my prior clients and be like, “What’s happened in your life since then?” Because, you know, there’s so much that happens in a matter of a couple of months.

But what I see is it just stacks—like, once it’s unlocked, the growth keeps stacking. And it’s always a journey, right? And I think being able to see that, I believe that life is about lifelong learning, and there is no end destination. And when you get that, it just becomes fun. It’s like, yeah, life keeps getting better. And that’s the whole point.

Yes, yeah, awesome. Okay, so with that said, what I’m still seeing overall, when I kind of looked at things, are some opportunities in terms of time. That, to me, seemed to be the biggest thing.

So I’m just going to highlight some of the things that struck me. But I love this—so much more balance in terms of what’s going on. This was like nothing. I love hearing about how much positive momentum you have in your life, how happy you are in your career—those are huge, huge.

What do you think, when you look at that, are the biggest drivers of that momentum?

Jaime 6:52
I think that, you know, I was so unhappy for so long, and I feel like I just—I needed a change. I kind of said to myself, I could continue doing the same thing, and nothing will change, and I’ll just continue to be unhappy. Or do I really just figure out what it is that I want from a company, which was obviously a big thing that we learned in The Bridge—just what’s important to me, and how do I find a company that aligns with those values.

And I didn’t rush to make the move where I feel like my last company, I did rush and made the move, and I was really unhappy. And I think once I came here, it was just going to a place where I feel valued, where it’s a caring company. They care about the people. I really just excelled.

I had all this nervous energy all the time in my last company that just made me not confident and nervous to speak up. And here, if I say something wrong, no one’s judging me. So it’s—you speak confidently and you just enjoy getting up and going to work. I’m not having the “Monday, you know, Sunday scaries” every single day, and that kind of happiness at work trickles into a lot of other places in your life.

Like, I didn’t realize how much my last company and my unhappiness really dragged me down, not just at work but like, my life outside of work.

Blake Schofield 8:15
Let’s get into this, if you can. I’m going to ask you to kind of dive into it, because when we get into places of negative self-talk, these are really indications of belief systems underneath it all, right? Because our beliefs form our thoughts, our thoughts form our actions, and our actions give us our outcomes.

So can you tell me, from what you remember, when you get into it—what are the words? What are you saying to yourself? What are you hearing—that inner bully?

Jaime 8:43
Yeah, I hear that I can’t do it. I—similar to how you just highlighted, you know, time is still an issue. I don’t have the time to do it, and I think I’m not going to be able to juggle it all, because I don’t know if I have the time to juggle it all.

You know, I’m focusing so much on me. Do I have time to focus on having someone else come into my life? How am I going to juggle it all if I feel like sometimes every single second feels eaten up in my day already? So it’s a lot of like, that I can’t do it, that it’s not possible. And, well, I don’t know if I see that many people successful at it. So, like, what makes me think I’m going to be able to be great at it? So I feel like that’s kind of what goes through my mind.

Blake Schofield 9:23
What’s happening when you’re prioritizing work? Like, how frequently is this happening, and what are you deprioritizing?

Jaime 9:31
So I would say it happens—I would say twice a year I have this kind of what feels like a six-week period where work’s a bit crazy. And I’ve been with this company for two years, and I will say each time it’s getting better—that I’m doing a slightly better job each cycle of not making it my entire life.

So in the past, it would eat into working out and cooking and taking care of myself. I kind of—like, I prioritize that a lot. It just eats into my social life, but mainly my dating life, which is the place where I feel like is the most lacking in being able to juggle it all. Like, I’m really great at work; it’s getting that other piece that I’m not as great at—not as confident at. You know, it’s easier for me to kind of push that sometimes to the side when I’m focusing on work.

Blake Schofield 10:25
Okay, so it’s about 12 weeks a year—12 weeks, which is about 20%, yeah? So what’s happening the rest of the window of time?

Jaime 10:38
The rest of the window of time, I feel like I do have a much better work-life balance. I think I’m able to see my friends and, you know, go out more. So I feel like it’s that 80% I am much better, which is great.

But sometimes I just don’t want to—you know, work you get praised, or, you know, you’re doing a good job because either your business is doing great or whatever. And sometimes I feel like, obviously, your social life is not as black and white.

So I feel like I sometimes can struggle with that and just wanting to put the effort in when I’m like, “Is it even going to be worth my time?” type of thing.

Blake Schofield 11:16
Okay. What have you tried so far with regard to dating? What has your experience been?

Jaime 11:21
Um, so I’ve done, you know, the apps—which just, I struggle with it because I feel like it’s very surface level and you don’t really get to know anybody. And I think that sometimes just feels like people swipe certain ways based off of your age or whatever it is, and I think it can get discouraging.

Sometimes I need to find—and it’s been something I’ve been researching more—a little bit more of just, like, whether it’s certain groups or activities to kind of go out more, because I do think I depend so much on those apps. It’s an ease thing; it’s kind of like a protective barrier, I guess you can say, where you’re like, “Well, they don’t really know me, so like, if they don’t swipe the same way as me, I can’t be that upset,” type of thing.

But I haven’t had success there, so I think, similar to not being happy at my last job and staying that way, the apps aren’t working. I do know I need to put effort in figuring something else out—even just like whether I meet a new friend a certain way—but just to kind of get myself out there. But I would say the apps are, like, the biggest thing.

Blake Schofield 12:31
Okay, what do you do socially now? Like, obviously cooking, but you’re probably doing that in your house. What are your social outlets now?

Jaime 12:35
I’d say a big one is I go to a lot of group fitness classes, which has been really nice, and meet a couple of people there. That would probably be, I would say, one of my more social things.

I do try to find events or charities that I’m passionate about and try to attend those and go with a friend. I would say those are the most social things, besides seeing my friends and going out to dinner and stuff like that.

Blake Schofield 13:03
Okay. How frequently are you out and about socially on an average week?

Jaime 13:09
Average week, I would say—not including gym classes—I would say maybe like one day, maybe two. It’s not too much, to be honest.

Blake Schofield 13:25
What are your work hours?

Jaime 13:35
My work hours, I would say on average, 8:40–5:45, 3:45–5:45—
not really, not so bad. Okay, so the hours aren’t necessarily—no, I think it’s that I have the drive at work. And I think it’s because I know I’ll do well, and I think there’s an element of not always having the motivation to go out socially after a long day—even though it’s not even that long—but sometimes I just feel, like, tired.

Blake Schofield 14:03
Okay, we’ll definitely dive into that a little bit more, just piece by piece, yeah. So it’s awesome to see health and family—your stress is at a two out of ten, that’s amazing. Stress seems to be mostly relationships and sometimes work at a six or a seven.

But overall, like, rating your stress at a three or four—I’m like, that’s, that’s awesome.

Jaime 14:31
Like, it’s—I feel like I’ve been in a good place, which is nice.

Blake Schofield 14:37
When you look at the relationship stressors, tell me a little bit about what you feel stressed about. What causes stress in relationships for you?

Jaime 14:47
I think what causes stress is, you know, I think age for one piece—I definitely put, you know, how old I am, wanting a family—and that piece is just like a time clock stress.

But from the act of actually dating, I think a lot of times I’ll go on a bunch of dates in a row and they’re not great. If I’m not feeling the chemistry, or let’s say they’re not feeling the chemistry, then it just sometimes feels like it’s like a second job.

And it can get exhausting where it’s like, I just worked my nine-to-five, gotta get ready, go out, and then it feels like when you do that and it’s a bust, it’s like demotivating in a way. Instead of me trying to go in with a positive outlook, sometimes I go in with a little bit of like, “I hope this isn’t a waste of my time,” type of thing.

Blake Schofield 15:45
Okay, never a great way to go into something. So it feels like you’ve had quite a bit of disappointment back to back to back, yeah? What have you been doing to vet these people before you go meet them in person?

Jaime 16:00
You know, it’s funny you say that, because I went through a phase like six, seven months ago where it was really just trying to say yes more and, you know, give more people a chance. And I think that’s what, like, really burnt me out a little bit.

So I do think that it’s a fine balance of, you know, vetting and talking to people and really seeing like, is there that spark before I meet them? Or if I’m out—or the goal to be out and maybe meet someone out—see if there’s a connection before just immediately kind of going on a date.

I think I need to come from more of a quality-versus-quantity perspective because I think the quantity piece—it was burning me out. And I was like, it felt just, am I wasting my time type of thing?

Blake Schofield 16:54
Okay, I definitely want to come back and we’ll talk about that. I’m putting it in here so I don’t forget.

Okay, I’m going to come back to those questions in a minute, because I am there—right where we’re headed.

The majority of the end of your workdays, you go home and you are tired but still able to do some of the activities that you want. Help me understand what’s still draining your time and energy.

And the reason I ask this is, when we want to shift something in our lives but we don’t have energy on a daily basis already, it’s near impossible. So as we start diving in to understand, like, okay, what’s going on with the relationship piece and what are the belief systems or things that are standing in your way from you achieving that—whether it’s belief systems or strategy, etc.—there’s also an element of understanding like, what is actually currently draining your energy?

So we can address that, because you need the energy to then go do something that’s creating something new.

Jaime 17:47
Yeah, I would say I think from an energy perspective, sometimes I’m just—I’m tired. I wake up early to work out, and I think sometimes I feel like I’m not getting enough sleep. And for no reason, sometimes it’s just me not going to sleep early enough.

And I think while my hours are not bad, it’s a nonstop, back-to-back… okay, there we go. I need to—like, I think a part of it, I was so focused on not having terrible hours all the time that they’re jam-packed. They’re intense days. So that, I think, definitely can lead to some of that exhaustion by the end.

Like, I can deal with waking up early—usually I’m okay—it’s just the days are kind of nonstop, 9:00 to 5:35, 5:45.

Blake Schofield 18:37
What pieces have you been able to carry forward from the work that you learned about taking control of your time and calendar? What pieces are you doing today?

Jaime 18:45
I map out everything on my calendar. So whether I am blocking it out because I have a project I need to work on—I used to work on that at the end of the day or before anyone started—like, I’m blocking out the time on my calendar during the day.

Blake Schofield 19:01
And do you feel you’re able to use it and it’s an appropriate dimension?

Jaime 19:05
Exactly, yes. And I feel that if something does pop up and I need to shift it, I do find ways to shift it that don’t result in me shifting it to six to eight p.m. at night.

So I think that’s been the biggest win. I think I can do a better job of carving out that “step away”—whether it’s a little bit in the morning, another in the afternoon, whatever it is—to kind of just take a second and step away.

I don’t think I do that great of a job, but mapping out my calendar—that’s been a huge win, to the point where people have commented on my calendar and said, “Oh, what is this?” I’m like, “Oh, I’ll show you.”

Blake Schofield 19:42
Love it so much, yeah, yes. So I definitely was gonna say that to you: if your day-to-day is back-to-back-to-back-to-back, you’re not giving your nervous system any time to breathe.

The older you get, the more critical that is. Our nervous systems cannot carry the stuff that they used to be able to carry when we were in our 20s. So even if it is giving yourself, let’s say, two 15-minute breaks during the day—you will be shocked at the impact that could give you.

Is there an easy place you could just, like, get outside or walk somewhere?

Jaime 20:33
Yeah.

Blake Schofield 20:37
Okay, so studies have actually shown 20 minutes of being in nature helps to regulate your nervous system and reground you.

Unknown Speaker 20:33
That’s amazing. I could walk easily.

Blake Schofield 20:37
Yeah, you could walk—or also just sitting on a bench and watching the leaves move on a tree. It’s just being able to give your brain a break, okay, so that it’s not going, going, going all of the time.

I am amazingly blessed that I have, like, the best backyard in the house that we’re in, and I can just sit out there and feel the wind and watch the trees and recognize, like, all the stuff in my head and all the stuff I’m working on is small.

Jaime 21:09
It’s really interesting you say that, because my parents have a house in Florida. So in the winter, a lot of times I will head down there, and some days I might use my remote days to work, and I always find the 20 minutes just to sit outside.

And you’re right—I feel… I don’t feel the level of stress sometimes, because it probably is because I’m giving myself those couple of breaks during the day and just like, going outside and like, that’s okay. I love that idea.

Blake Schofield 21:40
Yeah, it’s huge, and it’s something that I think has become even more important if you look at where we are as a society. Forty-four percent of people are more stressed today than they were at the beginning of COVID.

Like, that’s insane. We were in the middle of a pandemic when you didn’t know if or how you would die if you were in public. You didn’t know when or how your job was going to come back to fruition—if life would ever look normal again.

We’re more stressed now, which means every single person you’re interacting with is also more stressed. And we feel that, whether we recognize it or not. Somebody else is stressed, and so all of that starts to come.

So really taking these moments for yourself as a break—it’s unbelievable what that can do just to help regulate your nervous system and calm you down so you’re not feeling like you’re on a marathon all day.

The second thing is, are you doing the grouping of activities so you’re not task-switching all the time?

Jaime 22:55
I could probably do a better job at that.

Blake Schofield 22:58
That ability to group like items and not task-switch is also a way to help make sure that you are not overusing your brain.

I think if you went and looked at your calendar and you said, “Okay, how can I adapt my calendar so I’m putting more like items together, and how can I give myself two 15-minute breaks,” and just start doing that for the next two weeks—yes—and then start seeing where you’re at.

The third thing I’m going to give you for the calendar is I want you to track your energy. Okay, this is a big one. And when I mean track your energy—do you color-code your calendar right now?

Jaime 23:33
Yeah.

Blake Schofield 23:34
Do you do what I had taught you to do, which was at the end of the day or the end of the week, go back and look at where you’re spending your time and do it—I like to change them to be red if whatever I did drained me, yellow if it was neutral (didn’t give me energy but didn’t take any), and green if it gave me energy.

Okay? And the cool thing is, at least with Gmail, it will actually give you a little percentage on the bottom left if you look at it, that will tell you what colors—how much you spent in each one.

The reason I say that is developing a deeper level of understanding about where your energy is going on a day-to-day basis is massive.

So right, there’s this element of, I need to give my brain a break—just calm down and remove it. There’s this element of, am I optimizing how I’m spending my time so my brain is not constantly having to switch tasks, which makes it really exhausted.

And then the third thing is, how do I feel about the work that I’m doing on a day-to-day basis? When you can start to then go look at that, Jaime, it will start to show some pretty heavy patterns.

My focus is always, how do we raise the floor, which is shorten the duration and depth of your worst days, moments, and years.

So if through this process you can begin to go, “Okay, I’m starting to feel better. My brain is not so stressed. I’m giving myself breaks, and I now see this thing is draining my energy,” now there’s a targeted approach of like, “Okay, how do I solve that thing?”

And so you can just keep improving what your calendar looks like.

And the reason I say this to you is it’s—you know, it’s great that you have these cycles that you’ve improved. The reality is, by the time you get comfortable doing that, you’re going to get moved to another job, 300%, right? And so it’s going to start over.

And so what I want to do is be able to give you some tools that you can consistently apply to improve week after week after week after week. I’ve been doing this stuff for years.

The more energy you have at the end of your day, the more that I think it will help you feel like number one, I have energy to go out and meet people; number two, I have more confidence that I can make a relationship work because I have something to give at the end of the day; and, like I said, number three, it helps you build sustainable success because no matter what changes, promotions, moves, etc., there’s some room—you’re not operating from full capacity.

Unknown Speaker 25:47
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 25:53
All right, so that’s the calendar piece. So we have three steps to do. Then I think I’m probably ready to dive into the relationship piece.

Your biggest fear is that you can’t manage it all—that you’re not able to be successful in your career and in your relationship. You have a fear you need to spend so much time working in order to be successful.

Where did that come from? Was that something you were modeled or saw?

Jaime 26:17
I feel like this is the first job in a long time where I maybe even have a somewhat decent work-life balance. I might be drained during the day, but I used to feel like I would work so much that it would just be impossible to find time for anyone else.

And I guess I don’t really know if I see many people that I work with that I feel like are able to manage it all. Now, it’s easy to make that assumption from the outside, right? I don’t know if I’ve seen anyone that I feel like has it all—but also, what do… I don’t even know if I necessarily know what I mean by “have it all,” if that makes any sense.

But I wouldn’t say it’s anything I was modeled or anything. It’s just a fear of mine.

Blake Schofield 27:00
What was growing up in your house like? What’s the relationship between your parents? Did they both work?

Jaime 27:06
Great relationship with my parents. My mom did not work. She worked, then had kids. So when she was raising us, didn’t work, and then went back to work in more of a consulting type of role when I was in college.

So, I mean, she was around when I was growing up, and then my dad worked, and he worked sometimes long hours but was always present—but he would travel sometimes for work too.

Jaime 27:34
So yeah, they definitely balanced each other out, I guess, is the right way I was trying to say it.

Blake Schofield 27:42
And how did your parents interact as a couple?

Jaime 27:47
Oh, they—I mean, great interaction. I feel like they were like a true partnership.

Blake Schofield 27:55
Did they have frequent date nights? What did that look like?

Jaime 27:59
So I would say when I was a kid, every Saturday night I feel like they went out—whether it was just the two of them or with another couple—that was always their night.

Friday and Sundays we always had dinner as a family, and then during the week, if not always with my dad, definitely always with my mom. With my dad it depended on when he got home from work, but always Friday and Sundays as the family.

But they had their own date nights, yeah.

Which was—I feel like that’s also part of just from the relationship standpoint. I put their relationship—I just think my parents have a great relationship. I’m lucky that I grew up with that. I put that on such a pedestal sometimes, and, you know, it makes it sometimes harder to feel like, am I going to find that?

But it should motivate me more than, I think, make me nervous that I’m not going to find it.

Blake Schofield 28:53
What’s interesting, right, is how we grew up sets the stage for our belief system around what relationships should look like, in ways that are obvious—like, to your point, you’re like, “Oh, I want a spouse who I do date nights with,” and we do all these things—and in ways that might not be.

Because in your home, the message was: I became a mom, and therefore I gave up my career. And so it wasn’t possible—or they chose for it not to be possible—for both parents to work.

Jaime 29:36
Exactly, yes, yes.

Blake Schofield 29:39
And one of the things you said to me was, “I feel pressure to get in a relationship, and I want to be a mom and do all of that.”

Jaime 29:47
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 29:48
Do you think that there might be some fear that if you went down that path, that you would have to choose between being a mom and having a career?

Jaime 29:54
I think there’s the fear that, yes, that I wouldn’t be able to manage it all. But probably because—love my mom—but she didn’t manage both work and raising kids. So I think that’s the fear, that you’re right—that maybe I feel like I would have to choose, or if I didn’t choose something, you know, the ball would drop somewhere.

Blake Schofield 30:22
What do you think is different, maybe, about your personal journey and your career from what your mom’s was? Did she get married younger? Has she done development like you did? What do those things look like?

Jaime 30:35
She got married young, but what was uncommon was she and my dad didn’t have my brother until, like, 11 years after getting married. So she had a career.

What she says is her company where she was at was going under right when she was pregnant, and just, like, didn’t go back after. Like, just the timing of it all, she just didn’t go back.

She did not do any sort of, I feel like, development and things like I did. But it’s interesting because when I speak to her about her work, like, she used to always say, “I would have paid them to do what I did.”

I loved what I did. Like, she loved her job, but it seemed, you know, the timing of just the company kind of going under, being pregnant—it just, she didn’t go back.

Blake Schofield 31:43
Do you think she—?

Jaime 31:44
I do think there’s an element that she wishes that maybe she did, because, I mean, the second we were in college, she found something to kind of get into. And I don’t want to say “keep her busy,” but give her something, you know, that she was excited about.

Blake Schofield 32:04
When you think about the idea of a future with somebody where you have, you know, a relationship where you are able to prioritize each other and you have a family, how do you feel about the thought of whether or not you would give up your career? What are the emotions that come up with that for you?

Jaime 32:08
It’s not something I would want to completely give up. I think, in a perfect world, where I would ideally find myself striving for eventually—and I’m always thinking—is there something I could eventually, whether it’s working for myself, where I make my own hours, find things that are part-time for a couple of years?

I always think, like, in my dream scenario, it would be part-time when the kids were younger, but then I’d want to go back full-time, which is not always easy. But I don’t know if it’s something that I would ever want 100% to give up, especially being older and being more established in my career.

Like, I enjoy that part of my life. I’m in a place in my life where I enjoy work, and I feel like that’s nice and fun—to be challenged but enjoy it.

So I don’t think it’s something that I would 100% want to ever walk away from completely.

Blake Schofield 33:05
Okay, the reason I ask you that is—and we’ll get into a few things in a minute—but often, when we find ourselves in patterns of saying that we want something and we find resistance to it, there’s usually some deeper belief system or pattern underneath it that doesn’t look obvious but might be sitting there.

For example, if your belief system was that the only way that you could have the type of family and marriage that you wanted would be to give up your career, and you love your career and you don’t want to do that, you would have a subconscious belief system that was literally stopping you from either taking action or seeing the right people—because you didn’t want the outcome that that would create.

Jaime 33:48
Yeah, yeah. I can see that.

Blake Schofield 33:54
As you’ve been dating and finding people, tell me what your experience has been on these dates. What is the most common kind of pattern? Maybe you can even give me the last couple of people that you went out with. Tell me what that has been like.

Jaime 34:07
Now it’s been really interesting dating in my late 30s versus dating in late 20s, early 30s, because you have this bigger pool of people in a way—of the divorcees in addition to people who haven’t been married yet or whatever.

I find there’s still a lot of immaturity out there, especially with the ones that were married at one point in their life, because I think they are just looking for fun at this point.

So I think that’s been surprising to me and has been some of the experience. Some of the others—as much as I want a family and I want to get married—I also am not… I say I’m not desperate. I want it to be with the right person. I’m not someone that’s just like, “Who’s the next guy over here?”

Sometimes I feel like I either get the guys that aren’t very serious, or the ones who just so desperately want to get married, and it’s kind of like, well, can we just take it at a normal pace?

So I feel like that’s been kind of my scenarios lately, where I feel like no one is on the same wavelength as me—where it’s, I’m not saying I have all the time in the world, but I’m also not rushing. You know, I want to make sure that this is right. So I feel like I kind of get those two extremes.

Blake Schofield 35:33
The guys who were married and divorced that, you know, you feel like there’s a maturity differential—what are the specific things you’re seeing that feel like they’re not matched?

Jaime 35:42
More so that they don’t really—they’re not dating with intention. I think they’re only dating for, like, the physical side of it, which is not what I’m looking for.

Blake Schofield 35:55
If I were to ask you the qualities you are looking for in your ideal mate—hopefully this is also what you’ve been putting out there when you get—can you share with me what those are?

Jaime 36:06
Yes. So I want someone that is ambitious, that’s family-oriented—it sounds silly—trustworthy and transparent. You know, someone that… you know, a lot—that’s the other thing you learn with online dating—the amount of people that, like, lie.

And you just want someone that’s honest, that is kind. I think that’s, you know, really big. I just want a nice, kind person who is ambitious. I’m ambitious, and I want someone that has drive.

Their drive can look different than mine, but there’s got to be a passion for something. You know, I find that when I have dated people that don’t have that drive, I kind of lose interest a little bit.

Someone that’s fit and that takes care of themselves, I think, is a big thing. And who likes to kind of explore the city or try new restaurants—someone who’s not, you know… I can tend to be a little structured or rigid, so someone who can kind of bring that—bring me out of my shell a little bit more and push me in ways. Someone who can challenge me too.

Blake Schofield 37:14
If you were with your ideal partner, what would that life look like?

Jaime 37:20
I think that life would look like… I don’t know. I think, you know, I would be working—I think that would definitely be… I can see myself whether it’s living in the city or close to the city, so if I have a commute it’s not too hard.

But someone that I just enjoy being with, you know, that I can hang out with just him—but also have a really nice social circle that I can go out to dinner with, with friends, and just… but like a very relaxed life.

I don’t want a life that’s, you know, outside of normal life stresses that everyone experiences. I just want, you know, to be able to just hang out and watch a movie with someone, and be able to, you know, sit in silence and that’s totally great—and also just have a great conversation over dinner.

Like, just someone that, you know, we’re enjoying our time together. And then obviously, ideally, kids in that ideal partner life.

Blake Schofield 38:23
And how do you want to raise your kids?

Jaime 38:27
I want to raise my kids, you know, in a loving family. I want them to grow up in a house where their parents are happy and not only prioritize them, but also prioritize their relationship.

I think that’s really important. And I want to raise kids that are, you know, kind and good-hearted and hard-working—and also kids that, you know, just have fun. Be a kid. I feel like that’s the big thing.

Blake Schofield 38:58
You said you’re looking for someone who is ambitious, has drive and a passion for something. Have you dated somebody like that in the past? And tell me about what that person’s ambition or passion was.

Jaime 39:09
I have. I dated—the last guy I dated, his passion happened… it was twofold. His passion was, first, his career, I think. But from a startup lens, he wanted to really work for himself. And it just was—it was really inspiring to see someone just really go into, like, start from the bottom of just like, “How can I build this dream that I want to do?”

And ambition there doesn’t mean, you know, money—it was just the passion of, he wasn’t happy with his current company. He wanted to do something different. And it was just nice to kind of see his excitement about going after that.

And he was also very, very passionate about his family—I mean, very close to his siblings and just had a deep love for his nephew and his family, and I thought that was probably one of his best traits.

Blake Schofield 40:11
And what didn’t work in that relationship?

Jaime 40:14
What didn’t work was, he just—and we’re friends, so it’s all great—he just wasn’t settled in his life. He needed—and that’s what we spoke about—he just needed time to kind of focus on himself and what he wants to build in his career.

And it wasn’t… I wasn’t getting what I was needing in a relationship, which was someone that, you know, wanted to progress forward. I feel like he just was so focused on moving his career and getting that off the ground that it just—it was… and he did it.

Instead of kind of trying to grow the relationship, he prioritized that over growing the relationship.

Which was fine, and that’s why we kind of ended on great terms, and we still, you know, catch up. But that—that was really why it ended.

Blake Schofield 41:10
I ask you that because there’s a delicate balance between a relaxed life and ambition, drive, and passion, right? They can be on a teeter-totter until you have somebody who learns the skill to balance both—or gets to a place where they can.

So when you say, “I’m looking for someone who’s family-oriented,” what does that actually really mean?

What does that mean—“I see my family every Friday and this is what it looks like”? “I’m actively engaged with my nieces and nephews. I show up to all their events. I know what’s going on in all their things.”

Or does that mean, “I’m family-oriented in terms of, like, I value my most immediate family and taking care of my kids, but I don’t really need to see my other family but once a month”?

It’s just like when we talked about work-life balance looks different for everybody—this stuff, Jaime, looks very different depending on who you’re talking to.

So I want to challenge you to start to think about it in that way—which is why I said, “What would it look like for you?”

So when you say, “Relaxed life,” and “I want to sit and watch a movie,” and “I want to do this,” I really want you to sit and think about that—like, what does that actually feel like?

What would you… how would you be partnering together to raise the kids? What are the most important values for the kids when you talk about them being kind and good-hearted and hard-working?

Like, do you think it’s important to put them in sports? What does that look like?

So I want to challenge you to go deeper on that and really spend some time journaling on some of that. Because even when you talk about like, “I want to explore the city and new restaurants,” then the question I have is like, what do you want to explore in the city?

How frequently? What is it about new restaurants? Let’s really get into the nuances of these things and why they matter to you.

Like, why does it matter that he takes care of himself and that he’s fit? Is it because you want a workout buddy?

Jaime 43:32
Right, right.

Blake Schofield 43:33
Is it because you want to be able to eat healthy food in your home and you think that’s important and you want to raise children where you are prioritizing that?

Jaime 43:39
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 43:40
Right. The more we can get at this depth, the more we also begin to understand who is the right partner for you—absolutely—where can we find that right partner.

Does that make sense?

Jaime 43:49
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 43:50
The next thing that—there are two other things that I think are really important when we think about relationships.

One is attachment style. Have you heard or learned anything about attachment styles?

Jaime 43:57
Heard it. I’m not the most familiar with it. I’ve done, like, a little reading on it, but yeah.

Blake Schofield 44:00
So only about half of the public is what they would call securely attached. All the rest of us are insecurely attached.

And your attachment happened by the time you were two years old.

Most common, right, is—there are three that are insecurely attached—but most common is anxious attachment.

That is, I’m worried when things don’t work, when someone doesn’t talk to me, I get anxious, I get anxiety, I’m trying to solve the problem.

The other one is avoidant—so when I feel uncomfortable, I need space, I’ll shut down, I won’t talk. Usually, those two end up together.

Then there’s a third one, which is basically disorganized. They have both. So they can either be anxious or avoidant depending on the circumstances.

A little whiplash—when I say this to you, do any of those resonate with your own journey and the people that you’ve dated?

Jaime 44:22
In terms of who I’ve dated, I feel like they’ve been more avoidant, yeah. I feel like I’ve been in those more situations. I don’t feel like I’ve been with many—I’m trying to think of any—like, secured attachment, but definitely I feel like I’ve been with more avoidant.

Blake Schofield 44:36
Okay, yeah. The reason I ask you that, right, is if we don’t know who we are, we don’t know how these things play out, and we don’t work on these things in our relationships, eventually it creates quite a bit of challenge.

Because in order to build the type of relationship that you’re talking about, here’s what I know to be true: relationships are how we heal and learn. And they are also mirrors to every one of the things we have not worked through.

So are our children, by the way. Nobody told me this, and then I finally figured it out. I was like, “Oh my God, my children are literally triggering all of my worst traumas.”

And then I was like, “Why didn’t I learn this before?” But I eventually learned it, right?

And so in relationship, when we get into secure relationships, those things do show up. And so it’s important to be able to understand that about yourself and also the types of people you’re attracting and who you’re getting.

Because in order to heal the things that you need to heal to live in that type of vulnerable relationship and partnership with somebody, you have to be willing to get outside of that comfort zone.

And so if, for you, the most common thing is “I feel suffocated, I need to back out of this,” begin to recognize what is happening in that moment and be able to show up from a place of honesty with that person and see how they respond.

It’s interesting when you talked about the two types of people that are showing up on the dating websites, right? It’s the people who are just there for physicality—that’s definitely not anxious attachment, right? That’s somebody that’s like, “I don’t want a commitment.”

And on the other side, when you say they’re desperate—those people are probably more likely anxious, and you’re feeling that, and then it’s actually causing you to want to exit.

We will repeat whatever it is we are most comfortable with—not just psychologically, but actually your nervous system is wired to repeat what feels normal to you.

So if I look at your pattern, right—you had somebody who was super passionate, but he was also not emotionally checked all the way in.

And you have a pattern of the guys that you’ve been seeing are either too emotionally checked in or not emotionally checked in.

What were things like with you and your dad? What was that experience like as a kiddo?

Jaime 46:58
We were—we are very close. He worked a lot when I was younger. I feel like I just always remember, you know, he was always there for the big things, but I just always remember him working as a kid.

And I feel like where he and I were when we started getting so close—and continue to this day, really—was when I was in college.

And I remember I was interning, and then we would commute together to the city, and that was like—we just, we bonded and we clicked. And it was just like, we enjoyed that time together.

And I feel like, you know, I think he’s the best guy. I love him. But yeah, I think when I was a kid, he worked a lot, you know. And he traveled a lot for work, yeah.

Blake Schofield 47:58
And here’s the thing that I know to be true—like I said, after having done the work that I’ve done—is just how our lives play out, right?

As a little bitty kid, you couldn’t understand, like, “Dad has a job and he has commitments.” All you knew was like, “Where’s Dad? Yeah, I miss my dad, I want my dad, and he’s not here.”

And so for you, that early impression of love was that you didn’t get exactly what you needed.

Jaime 48:22
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 48:23
Right. And so what happens when we experience that and we don’t have the recognition of it and we aren’t able to rewrite those stories is we keep finding more of those same exact stories to play out in the relationships we go into—until we heal it.

And so I definitely see that pattern for you sort of happening over and over and over again. And not to say that these guys that aren’t coming across as desperate—maybe they really are—but maybe they also have a level of attention of which you have never really had or doesn’t feel like what you, as that little girl, described love to look like.

Speaker 1 49:08
Yeah, that really clicks, yeah.

Blake Schofield 49:11
When you are feeling emotionally triggered, it’s actually a gift. Your body is like, “Hey, please work and let go of this thing—I don’t want to carry it anymore.”

And so I can at least tell from what you’re saying that that’s an element of what’s happening so that you can show up as your best self, so that you can find somebody that is the best partner for you—where you are comfortable with the level of support of what you deserve.

Jaime 49:35
Yeah, yeah.

Blake Schofield 49:37
And I think that ambitious versus relaxed life is probably tied, honestly, to this.

Think about it—your dad: ambitious, passion, he had the drive. And what did you want? You wanted Dad to, like, hang out and watch movies.

Jaime 49:51
Yeah, exactly.

Blake Schofield 49:53
And so that vision for you is like trying to reconcile both of those things. Because that’s all we’re ever looking to do, is honestly get the love that we always wanted when we were little.

Jaime 50:04
When we were little, exactly.

Blake Schofield 50:06
So the last piece I’m going to ask you is the third element that I found to be life-changing. Have you ever taken a test and learned your love languages?

Jaime 50:13
I actually haven’t, and I should.

Blake Schofield 50:16
This is game-changing. If you don’t know your love language and you aren’t able to communicate that to your partner, you will not, over a period of time, get what you need.

So that’s also—when I talk about like, what does it feel like to be in relationship with that person, what are the things that make you feel loved—that’s huge.

Because you can then begin to recognize, like, “Oh, there’s an act of service,” or “Oh, there’s a whatever,” and it starts to help take what can feel like—I think finding the right person feels a bit of like a crapshoot, like a ping-pong ball process.

But I really think—I believe—that the more clarity that you really have on who you are and what you need and what kind of life you want to bring to somebody, the more clear you can find the right person when you talk about quality over quantity.

So if you were really clear, like, “This is exactly the type of life I want to lead. This is what I value. This is how I feel loved,” then as you start vetting through people, there’s a real understanding of like, we just don’t have the same value system bar.

What it also does is it opens your mind to people that you might not have originally listed. It’s just like when you went and did your career search, right? It’s really hard when you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, but then when you do, you’re like, “Okay, it’s this kind of company, and therefore I could find them doing this, because this is how they would be living life.”

Okay, so I downloaded a bunch too. How do you feel as we’re nearing the end of today’s call?

Jaime 52:05
This is great. I think what we discussed in terms of the calendar seems like such a good win. To just—you know, I love the hindsight of the week and really just asking myself, like, from an energy perspective, how did it make me feel?

I think the walks will be amazing, and I think, yeah, I mean, the relationships—you’re right. It makes sense why I’m exhausted during the day, and I need to make sure that I’m not in that place in order to be able to, you know, find that person.

And I need to define what that means and what that looks like. So when you said family-oriented, you’re 100% right—like, what does that look like? How do I define that? What does that mean? It’s very general.

So I feel like that—I’ve gotta dig into that a little bit more, be a little bit more detailed and go in more depth, as you said on that. And I feel good, yeah.

Blake Schofield 53:08
See, here’s what I see from where we’re at—it’s all a journey of growth. And so you’re at, like, this beautiful place of—oh, I have all the chills—this beautiful precipice of getting to a place in your career, in your life, where you’re ready to expand into that relationship and that next step.

Like I said, relationships really are a vehicle for growth. Most people don’t understand that. And most of how we’ve looked at, to be honest, what the right partner is—is actually not accurate.

So I love the fact that you said, you know, “I want to take time and see if it’s the right person,” because the data actually shows that building that relationship over time and then seeing and letting it develop over time—those are the strongest and best relationships.

Because you’re not operating from a place of nervous system reaction or jumping to conclusions about somebody—you’re really building the space and time to know who and what they are.

And what I know is the more that you understand what you really value and what you’re trying to create, the more clear you’re going to find people. Because it seems to me also that the people that you’re getting—it’s all a mirror. Everything is a mirror.

So your entire life is a mirror of you. Right now you’re getting mirrored people who, you know, aren’t serious and/or feel desperate—but in both cases, neither of those people really have the intentionality behind what you really want to build.

And what you’re looking for is someone who will mirror that level of intentionality back to you.

Jaime 54:49
Yeah, exactly.

Blake Schofield 54:53
So homework is to do your three shifts to the calendar for the next couple weeks, and then I want you to work on this more in-depth understanding of how these things show up in the real world.

Do you remember how we defined criteria for your career, and it was like, what does it feel like to work inside this company?

Do the same thing—what does it feel like? What does a kind person look like?

Is a kind person somebody who holds the door for somebody? Is a kind person somebody who will stop and sit with someone when they’re crying or upset?

Is a kind person somebody who speaks and lives a life of nonjudgment and maybe volunteers for people that are lower socioeconomic status or don’t have things?

What does kind actually mean? How does that show up in a real, everyday circumstance?

And then I want you to take your love language test. There’s probably something you could take online—I guarantee it.

Because attachment styles are a pretty big thing, yeah. I’m going to take that too.

I want to encourage you to take it again. Knowing these things about yourself helps you understand. Because again, if your natural pattern when you get uncomfortable is to avoid, being able to say, “Wait a second, what’s happening here? Is it that this is actually not a good person, or is it that I am scared or feel triggered?”

And that also is a huge benefit to be able to learn from and go, “Oh, I’m actually scared,” or “I’m actually worried.” And then, how can I take a micro-step of vulnerability and then see how that person reacts, to see if this person is worthy of me developing a deeper sense of vulnerability with them?

Jaime 56:34
Definitely.

Blake Schofield 56:36
Okay. I gave you a bunch of homework, but—

Jaime 56:38
Yeah, good homework though!

Blake Schofield 56:40
Okay, all right, lady. So we have our next call on the ninth, right?

Jaime 56:45
No problem.

Blake Schofield 56:47
And if you have anything completed you want to share, awesome. If you are stalled out on anything, let me know that too, because what I don’t want to happen is you go a whole two weeks and then come and be like, “Oh, I couldn’t do XYZ because whatever.”

Okay? And then our goal will be to take everything that you have done and then build a very clear plan of action to be able to start to move some momentum forward for you on this dating life.

Jaime 57:19
Love it. I’m excited.

Blake Schofield 57:22
You too, lady. It’s been so good seeing you. I will see you in two weeks.

Jaime 57:25
Yes, sounds good. Okay, bye.

Blake Schofield 57:30
On this coaching call, Jaime had quite a few “aha’s,” but the biggest insights and transformations are coming next week.

When you hear what happened in just two short weeks in Jaime’s career and in her life, you will not want to miss it.

Blake Schofield 57:52
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