When It All Feels Like Too Much

Blake (00:01.154)
Real leadership. Real life. Real impact. No more choosing between your career and your life. Here you’ll find honest conversations, science-backed strategies, and inspiring stories to help you thrive at work and truly enjoy your life outside of it. I’m your host Blake and I’m honored to help you create more impact with ease.

There’s something I want to talk about today that feels really important to discuss and to name. We’re living in a moment and a time of real uncertainty, shock, change happening faster than we can process.

And you may perhaps be feeling a sense that what you thought was true no longer is. Or maybe you’re being shown very clearly that your beliefs, values, or the way that you see the world isn’t shared or maybe you feel isn’t being honored. And when that happens, it often creates a deep feeling of powerlessness.

So if you’ve been feeling unsettled, reactive, angry, exhausted, overwhelmed, numb, or emotionally raw lately, I wanna say this first, there’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re doing the best that you can in circumstances that you didn’t expect to come against and you don’t know quite yet how to navigate. This is what happens when we’re exposed to this level of constant change, uncertainty and division.

When the foundation of what we believe or experience on a day-to-day basis, when that certainty disappears, what happens is our body and our nervous system immediately goes into survival mode.

And for each one of us, have different ways that we react and sometimes a primary survival response and sometimes second or third. We generally have a primary survival response that’s most prominent for us, but we can actually cycle through all of these.

The first one is fight. That might be anger, confrontation, outrage, or feeling like you must go do something. It’s a feeling of a desire to get a sense of control or some sense of power in order to feel safe.

Flight. That would be avoiding or maybe feeling like you can’t deal with those things. It also shows up as overworking or overdoing things, staying busy to try and manage and work through what’s going on underneath. It might also show up as overthinking, perfectionism, or feeling that you need to exit or get out of certain situations, relationships, places.

Freeze. That’s really where we just shut down. So you might feel a sense of like dullness or numbness. You might feel exhausted. You might be having a hard time making decisions or you’re procrastinating. It just feels like it’s difficult to take forward motion.

And then the fourth one is fawn. This is really all about like how can I make it better, trying to fix things, cleanup messes maybe that you didn’t create. Trying to help make sure everyone else is doing okay. Putting your needs on the back burner to try and make sure everyone else is okay.

Most people are cycling between more than one of those right now.

And I share this with you because I think it’s important to be able to stop and understand how am I dealing with this? How am I processing everything that’s going on around me? And what is my default to move to?

Because when you can understand your default, you can give yourself grace in understanding this is just our biology and how we work. This is how our minds and bodies are protecting us from things that we don’t yet feel we have the capacity to handle. But also it can help us begin to see this in other people and can begin to understand that our primary response might be to fight and take action and we might be seeing people around us whose response is to freeze.

And being able to have grace to understand that we’re all reacting differently to the scenarios and the circumstances that we’re in can be really helpful to understand that there is no one right way. There’s just everyone trying to make their way through it.

So why does this matter today? Well, honestly, we’re living in a time of unprecedented change and division. The global economy, the world as we know it, business, everything is shifting and changing and it feels like the rules and constructs and the things that we’ve built our history on and what we assumed would move forward is changing.

Recently, I read something called the Edelman Trust Barometer, and they shared that 7 out of 10 people globally are hesitant or unwilling to trust someone with different values or facts.

And when you look at what’s happened over the last almost 20 years in terms of social media and algorithms, and you begin to understand that what used to be true that we were, most of us, you know, we’re seeing the same information on TV and on newspapers and how much of that has shifted where based on your algorithms on social media and what you’re consuming, you are being fed things that are in alignment with your belief systems or what you’re consuming, but you’re not necessarily getting the whole picture.

And so what it does is create a perspective that what you’re seeing is the entirety of the world. And you might also then be interacting with people that are seeing an entirely different view of the world. And so we can begin to question reality. We can begin to feel unsafe in an environment where maybe our belief systems or our view of the world are being challenged.

So if you’re experiencing that or feeling it, you’re not alone. It is where we sit as a society and as a world today.

But what’s interesting from the trust barometer that they actually found is that companies are actually positioned to best bridge the divides than anything else. Think about it. How much of us can trust what is on TV or what’s happening in the government? What’s happening in social media today? With AI and how much can be shifted or changed, it’s getting even more difficult to be able to understand what is the truth and what are we seeing.

So what this tells me is that the work of creating safety, trust, collaboration, being able to partner and work together, it starts locally. It starts in ourselves. It starts in our teams. It starts in our family and our social circles.

And it’s not going to be found in social media and it’s not going to be found in more of these broader arenas that I think we’ve gotten so used to consuming information from.

I want to share with you an experience that I had back in April of 2023 and the power of that experience and how it helped me learn how to navigate through the world differently, especially when the world felt unsafe or how to navigate through the world differently, especially when I felt like I didn’t have the sense of control or agency that I wanted, when I felt like there was danger looming and I needed to protect myself because I believe it’s directly applicable to the circumstances that we’re in today.

So in April of 2023, I, alongside one of my dear friends, Renee, we hosted a retreat in Arizona. And during that retreat, we decided as a group to go river rafting or tubing down the river. And it was such an interesting experience.

First, we got started kind of unsure what was gonna happen. I will tell you that the water in Arizona at that point in time was way colder than I expected it to be. So immediately I got hit feeling like I was lying in icy water.

I didn’t know how long the trip would be or what we would experience along the way. And once I got used to the water and we started going and I looked at the pace of the water and the things going on, at first it was, you know, kind of enjoyable and manageable. I was looking around at the beautiful landscape around me, but then very quickly the water started to pick up.

And our tubes, I was connected with one of my dear friends and clients and Renee, my friend, was connected with several other of our clients. And so I was watching them ahead of us and Kami and I are on these tubes together, connected, as we start literally being pulled to the left very, very rapidly into a huge subsection of trees and branches.

Both of us start like flailing and trying to shift our tubes in the other direction, but the water is moving so fast that we can’t. And so all I could do was put my hands up in the attempt to stop my face from being what I was envisioning permanently scarred by these branches sticking out at me and hope that we don’t get severely injured.

Thankfully, I just got a little bit scraped up and we were able to shift out and continue down the river. But that incident of feeling unsafe and recognizing that we didn’t have the ability to control where we were going and that we actually could be in danger completely shifted what the experience felt like.

From that point on, we were hyper vigilant. We were trying to figure out how to avoid that happening again and what did we need to do. We stopped enjoying the scenery around us and really started getting into protection mode.

How can we figure out how to not experience that again? Our hearts were racing. We were both talking about how scary that was and trying to figure out how to really be able to control our rafts to avoid that happening again.

And so every time the river started going faster, we would get more and more nervous. We would try and figure out how we could, by our own force or our own brains, figure out how to navigate it.

And we did that for quite some time, probably half an hour. And we kept running into circumstances where we kept running into what felt like very dangerous circumstances where we could get injured.

And so I began to realize that what we were doing wasn’t working. And we began to realize we had to change our perspective about how we were going through the river.

Because here was the reality. That river was going to move at the pace it was going to move whether we did anything or not. The areas of risk were going to be there whether we did anything about it or not. The only thing we had control over is how we went through that journey.

And I think that’s really relative to the circumstances we sit in today. We can’t control the level of unrest, division, and challenges that we are under globally, economically, and everything else. The only thing we can control is how we go through it.

So here’s the beauty. Kami and I decide, okay, what we’re doing is not working, we’re exhausted, and it’s not making it any better. So we chose to preserve our energy, to allow the river’s flow to move us forward without doing so much work, and instead to use our energy to look at the people ahead of us and see what was coming, see where the water was shifting and moving.

And then very strategically be able to figure out when we needed to put forth energy and effort to protect ourselves, knowing where the water was going and what was happening.

And that shift changed everything. It didn’t move immediately from needing to control everything to ease, but we started to let go of some of the feeling that we needed to control things. And we started to allow the river to push us forward and we started to figure out, okay, how much effort do we need to make and how much of a difference does that make in where our raft is moving and how can we protect ourselves.

And we started to feel more peace in it, less stress. We started being able to look around at our surroundings and see further down the river.

And what that enabled us to do was start to see places much further down the river where our raft would be pulled into things we didn’t want. So we were able to actually start maybe paddling further to the right so we could get further out on the edge of the current where it wouldn’t pull us so far out into danger.

And the more we started navigating this, the more we realized that we could actually accomplish our goal of getting where we wanted to go safely. We could accomplish our goal of finding enjoyment and peace and appreciation of the journey even in circumstances where we didn’t have control, even in circumstances where danger was there.

By allowing ourselves to be more present in that moment, surrendering the desire that we had to control everything, and instead accepting that this is where the river was moving so we could use our time and energy to leverage that to our advantage.

I can’t tell you the difference that it was in terms of how much energy and effort we were putting in to try and control what was not controllable to how much less energy we put in on the back end of the ride that actually helped us feel safer and more in control and more capable of adapting because we were no longer fighting the things that we didn’t have the ability to control.

And so I think this is really relevant today with what’s happening globally, socially, and economically. The reality is there are real shifts and changes at play that we as individuals may not be able to control, but we can control where we place our focus, how we respond, and how we care for ourselves and others as we go through it.

Many of us are exhausted not just by what’s happening today, but how we’re trying to mentally control or predict it or by us being in survival mode and not giving ourselves the time and space for what we really need.

You know when you’re on an airplane and they give you the instructions about what do you do when the plane starts going down or there’s danger? One of the things they always tell you is that the mask will come down from the ceiling and you need to put your mask on first before you put a mask on a child or you help anyone else.

And that’s such great guidance that I think often we forget or don’t listen to when we are in distressing or challenging circumstances because we can’t help others if we don’t help ourselves first.

And so I’d like to give you a little bit of simple guidance of what I have found to be incredibly helpful in circumstances of great transition.

I’d like to give you some things, some tools of what I have found to be helpful in times of great transition or change or uncertainty.

Which is first of all, when we’re in those circumstances, we need to slow down. Our minds and bodies aren’t capable of handling the same level of change and movement with what we were doing before.

We actually have to create more space and slow down and give ourselves times where we’re not consuming information, we’re not doing things, we’re not in conversation about everything that’s going on, but we’re actually taking some quiet space or some quiet time to ourselves just to process and get back to a place where we can feel more grounded.

And whether that is taking 15 minutes to go walk outside in nature or that is journaling or meditating or that is just taking 15 minutes where you’re sitting on the sofa and you’re not consuming information or doing anything, we need that.

We also need to be getting better sleep because again there’s so many things that are happening underneath the things that we’re aware of that our body is processing through a level of stress and anxiety that we often maybe don’t even know.

And if we’re not listening to our body, if we’re not listening to that exhaustion and we’re continuing to push through everything that’s going on, we can’t see clearly. We can’t make the best decisions.

Just like when Kami and I were going down that river in panic, our view and our ability to see further out in terms of what was happening and coming and our ability to see what was going on around us was drastically compromised.

And that’s what happens when we get in stressful situations and we’re caught in our survival strategies of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Our brain literally will narrow our focus. And so we will miss really important things that are happening around us.

We’ll miss opportunities to be able to make better decisions to ensure that the things that we’re doing are creating the outcomes, the life, the careers, et cetera, that we want.

And so taking that time, taking that space is one of the most responsible things you can do for yourself and for everyone else around you.

Because when you are in survival mode, when you are dysregulated from a nervous system standpoint, you’re compromised in terms of your body and in terms of your mind because you’re not really able to see clearly the best way forward.

Here’s what I’ve learned to be true having navigated through quite a lot of uncertainty and change myself personally and with clients now for the last nine years.

We have to learn how to develop capacity for walking through the unknown.

One of my favorite quotes is from Virginia Satir: most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.

What does that really mean?

Well, we are wired to repeat the patterns and the experiences that we have. That’s just literally how our brain is wired, to repeat patterns.

And so change for most people is something that we have to learn how to navigate because our brain predicts uncertainty or change often as dangerous because it doesn’t know what to expect.

And so when you understand that our biology is set up to say change feels scary and dangerous and I want to stick with what I know, and then you’re put in an environment where you can’t control the level of change coming and there’s so much change coming so fast and so much information coming at you, that is a huge stressor to our minds and our bodies.

And so we build capacity to learn how to navigate this type of change through shifting how we work through that change, how we’re living through that change.

And so my hope today is by sharing my example, my experience of moving through that river, that I can help give you a tangible, visible way of thinking about what you’re experiencing today.

Are you going through that river panicking, trying to control things?

Are you struggling because it’s so much energy and effort and you feel whether it is anxiety or powerlessness or fear or worry or anger?

You can’t control that the river’s moving, but you can be present to understand this is the circumstance that we sit in today. This is the challenge that we’re facing and the historical timeframe that we’re in.

And while you might not have control of everything going on around you, the reality is you never really did. It was an illusion.

But you do have control and agency over yourself.

And what I have learned over and over again is that by learning how to take that control and agency over yourself, by being able to surrender to what you cannot control but putting yourself in a state where you are focused on where you can control, you can find a sense of agency, you can find a sense of peace, you can find a sense of control in that.

Because you can control what information you’re consuming. And if social media is making you feel bad or angry or sad or disconnected, you can choose not to consume information in that way.

You can choose taking those short breaks that you need to be able to allow yourself the space to be present without having so much coming at you.

And you can choose to learn how am I reacting, what is my typical nervous system reaction in this, how can I get myself back to a place of more balance.

And then how can I also give grace and understanding to the people around me and what they’re going through so that I can learn how to navigate what’s going on around me with some more agency.

With the ability to understand how you can endure change, uncertainty, and being in the liminal space between what you’ve known to be true and not yet knowing what that future looks like.

I wish I could sit here today and say that I felt like the circumstances we were in were short lived, but I don’t.

If you look at the pattern of history, it would show us that the level of change and uncertainty we are in now, we are going to be in for a while.

And so then I look at and say, okay, then how do we develop ourselves in it?

How do we get clear on our values and the things that we need to be able to navigate this change and to make the impacts that we can make, each one of us individually?

And so when I look at all of the pieces together, what it points to is an opportunity for each one of us to develop more of that agency, to learn how to move with the current while taking the actions we need to take to keep ourselves safe, to navigate with a sense of ownership and agency.

To continue to do the things that we need to do to move our lives, our careers, our teams, our families forward in a way that we can feel a sense of pride, in a way that we can feel that we are doing things that are creating good, bringing meaning and purpose to the challenges that we face today.

I know that it’s possible because this is the work that I’ve been so blessed to learn and to share.

And my hope is today that no matter where you are in the world, no matter what you’re experiencing today as your view and the impact of what’s happening, that this episode can bring you a sense of peace, that it can help you know that you’re not alone in this, and it can help give you some tools and perspectives about how you may begin to navigate this with more ease, with more agency, and in a way that’s sustainable.

And in a way that helps you begin to see and navigate change with more ease.

You know, a decade ago, my belief systems were that change was difficult, painful, and took a long time.

I had to learn that those beliefs weren’t true.

And through being able to identify and understand that experiences that I had that were difficult, painful, or hard were actually the reason I had the belief that it was associated with change.

Let me explain this better, because I don’t think I’m doing that well.

I went through a lot of experiences as a child that felt difficult or painful or hard.

Many of them included moving to different places that I didn’t want to move or leaving behind friends or relationships that felt deeply safe or connected for me.

And as children, I think many of us have that experience where we feel powerless.

There are things that happen that we don’t have control over and we form beliefs about those things.

And often we associate them with change.

For me, the first part of shifting my belief around change was being able to see that it wasn’t the actual change itself that was difficult or painful for me.

It wasn’t the actual move itself that was difficult or painful.

It was actually feeling the loss of the relationships, the loss of the sense of belonging, the loss of the sense of safety that felt difficult, painful, or challenging.

It was not having the closeness of those relationships.

It was needing to build new relationships and not having that sense of connectedness or safety that was hard.

It wasn’t actually the change itself that was difficult.

And so when I began to see that and I began to look at other circumstances and start to question or challenge myself, is change always difficult, painful, or hard, I began to find examples where it hadn’t been.

Where change actually had been incredibly positive, where maybe it happened incredibly fast, and where change had opened up gifts of possibility that I didn’t even know were there.

As a society, like I said, we tend to like to keep things the same.

And there are moments in time of which change comes upon us, whether that is a layoff or a family member passing or global circumstances that we’re in today.

Those are things that will come. They always do.

But when we can start to understand how we feel about them, what are the belief systems we have about them, how are we navigating them, we can start to shift the tide.

Because here’s my belief system about change today.

My belief system is that change, number one, is inevitable.

And number two, when we sit in circumstances where we cannot get what we want, that there’s no way of that possibility happening, the only way to open up potential and opportunity is change.

That change actually is the gift.

It is the only place of which we’re able to create what it is that we want.

So often we stay and we cling to things that aren’t working, that won’t achieve what we want in our lives or our careers because it’s comfortable, because we fear the risk or the uncertainty of what we don’t know.

And so as we sit today at this precipice of change that we cannot control, I want to encourage you to think about what is the change you want to create.

What is the dream that you have.

Recognize that the river is flowing and you don’t have control over that, but you do have agency and control over how you navigate through the change, how you show up for yourself, your family, your team, and the people around you, and the vision for the change that you seek to create in the world.

As I often say, lead with intention and create your impact with ease.

Change often feels uncomfortable.

We have to build our capacity to sit in the discomfort, to learn how to navigate life in a new way, and to understand that in order to create the futures and the outcomes we want, we have to be willing to sit through the discomfort of not knowing exactly how that’s going to turn out, but just to focus on taking the right strategic actions that we can on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis to get us closer to the vision, the values, and the outcomes we’re trying to create.

Blake Schofield
Most successful people don’t realize they’re in burnout because stress and exhaustion have become so normalized. But burnout is actually a sign of deeper misalignment between how you’re wired to thrive and how you’re actually working and living. Fix the misalignment and everything changes.

Take the free quiz at impactwithease.com/burnout-type to discover your burnout type and get next steps to reclaim your energy, lead with confidence and create more ease in your life and career.